U.S. May Respond if Attacked

The White House has confirmed that President Donald J. Trump, acting as Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of The United States, has put into place new ‘Rules of Engagement’ that allow US troops to return fire if engaged by a hostile force.

The statement from the Department of Defense reads, in part: “Starting this moment, any and all assets of the military of the United States are ordered to defend themselves and are hereby allowed to engage any hostile foreign units.” The statement goes on to rescind permission to engage ‘the weather’.

The move has received mixed reviews on Capitol Hill, with many Democrats in particular questioning the more ‘hostile’ stance. “It’s just so…’80s,” said Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA), head of the Transgendered Caucus. “I’m just not sure it sends the right message. Surely this will only offend our enemies and cause the Russians to hack us again, right?”

The policy reverses Obama’s ‘New Engagement’ policy, which had been in place for the entire eight years of his presidency. That policy, which seemed to work well in the Middle East, was simple.

“Well, what we used to do if we was attacked was to respond with, approximately, $500Million in cash,” explains Nate Froman of the Los Alamos Foreign Policy Doctrine Studies Institute. “That policy was only semi-effective. It worked well against Iran…they only attacked us a few times, indirectly of course.” Froman estimates that over the eight years the ‘New Engagement policy was in effect, Iran collected nearly $33.6Billion in cash from the US.




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