Trump Credits Presidential Victory on ‘Alternative Bullshit’

The election of Donald Trump as President of the United States has led to an explosion of scientific papers exploring bullshit. Trump’s use of what he call’s ‘profound’ or ‘alternate’ bullshit is widely credited as the deciding factor in this election.

Indeed, Trump’s use of vagueness or ambiguity to mask a lack of meaningfulness has become quite common in his political rhetoric, a skill he has perfected over decades of marketing himself. 

“Everyone is fooled, and doesn’t matter that they know it. They like it when you fool ’em, ’cause you are a celebrity,” Trump once told a friend in confidence. Video of this confession has been widely circulated and is said by many to be the moment they realized how presidential Trump actually is.

“We all knew he was the bigger, better asshole in the race,” Harry Kilment of the Los Alamos Institute for the Study of Bullshit explained to The Factoid News. “But we had no idea of the sheer mastery of bullshit the man had. We are talking nuance, minutia…the man is simply a master of bullshit. The man knows so many profound things, all built on bullshit. His Twitter feed is a goldmine to researchers of bullshit like myself.”

At the time of this writing, Trump has over 23 million followers on “Twitter” and has written more than twenty New York Times bestsellers. His delivery of ‘alternative bullshit’ has even led to an explosion of ‘bullshit news’ over the last few months, with CNN leading the way in that field.

Scientist are still working hard to understand exactly how all this bullshitting influenced the election, but so far a few things have become clearer. We asked Mr. Kilment, of the Los Alamos lab, to explain how the proper use of bullshit is important for presidential nominees.

“One cannot underestimate the power of properly using bullshit. If you do it wrong, it will blow up on you,” said Kilment. “Look at Bernie. He was not able to gain an understanding of how to reject other’s bullshit in order that the audience would then become aware of his own bullshit. Frankly, he was not able or willing to call his opponent on her bullshit, and it cost him the election.”

“Hillary on the other hand, was just a bad bullshitter,” says Kliment. “She had the nerve to try and make us believe that her bullshit was not, in actuality, bullshit. And for that the electorate told her to go fuck herself. Her and her bullshit.”

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