Kim Jong Un Takes ‘Nuclear Football’ For Public Walk

In response to the heightened tensions with foreign despots following President Trump’s military actions against Syria, North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un took a day off from launching missiles over Japan to take his ‘nuclear football’, Fifi, for a walk.

The walk went for almost two miles along the only park accessible to outside tourists in the country, a move clearly meant to send a message to Washington DC. Several nearby citizens rounded up to give quotes praised their dear leader for his ‘leadership’ and ‘please don’t kill me’.

“Any military action by the Capitalist dogs will be met with a fury never before unleashed on Earth,” said Kim Jong Un at the end of his walk. “I’m gonna bring the whole fucking diseased, corrupt temple down on your head. It’s gonna be biblical. You deploy your military one more time and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it’ll come out your ass like the tail on a Playboy bunny. I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I’m gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.”

The White House responded with only a few words, indicating that the situation had ‘escalated quickly’.

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