Donald Trump Defecates on Podium in First Address to Congress

President Donald Trump surprised everybody Wednesday night by defecating on the podium in front of a joint session of Congress. The unusual political tactic has been both hailed and rebuked in the hours following the epic happening.

Mr. Trump began with the usual ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ routine before thanking his voters while loosening his belt. He then defecated fully onto the podium on live national television before ending by saying ‘Thank you, and goodnight’.

The podium defecation was the first since President Bill Clinton defecated on the podium during his 1993 ‘State of the Union’ address, which garnered the support of 93% of Democrats. “It was meaningful when Clinton did it, it had context,” explained Maxine Waters of the House Transgendered Caucus. “This was just a gratuitous dump meant to divide the American people. Plus, it clearly came out in the shape of a swastika.

In a Tweet just minutes after the joint session, Trump explained that, “The American people can see from the reaction of those opposed to me their lack of honesty in being shocked by not only my taking a huge dump, a magnificent dump, on that podium but by the way in which they will claim to have been shocked.”

Polling leading into the event shows that 64% of American did indeed expect him to shit on the podium, despite repeated claims to the contrary being broadcast nationwide. He went on to explain that while he does sometimes poop in the shape of a swastika, it occurs no more often ‘than is normal’.

 

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