Welcome to this weeks edition of Ask Science. Today Savastan0 asks “If every fart contains a bit of fecal matter, then how many times would I have to fart to have effectively taken a dump?“
We put this intriguing question to Micah Cornelius, head scientist at the Los Alamos Fart and Bowel Evacuation Research Center in Los Alamos, New Mexico. His record of 1503-1-1 (with only one unplanned evacuation) makes Mr. Cornelius easily the world’s leading expert in the field of flatulence and organic stench.
Mr. Cornelius responds: You can’t answer a question like this without looking into all the potential variables, which has so far taken me most of my waking adult life. I could give you some answer guessing at the ‘true number’, but what you really must do is understand one major, central problem to taking an effective dump through farting alone.
The problem is that the human body is basically immune to it’s own bullshit, thanks to a part of the brain we call the sibmigdula. Oh, it can trick itself, but you’re going to fail miserably if you try to trick your submigdula.
For example ask yourself this: Just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
Of course you have no idea because when you try to just lick the pop your sibmigdula calls you on that shit and you just end up biting the Tootsie Roll Pop like every other human being does.
This shit-calling usually happens around 20 to 24 licks of the Tootsie Roll Pop. Trying to take an effective dump by farting alone is kind of like that.
Oh sure, you could make a machine to lick the Tootsie Roll Pop for you and find out exactly how many licks it takes (312 licks), but that’s not going to work when trying to figure out how many farts it is going to take to, in effect, take a dump. First off, no machine that actually farts has been invented yet. Fart sounds, yes. Real farts, no. And even if you had such a machine that could fart, how are you going to actually make it fart for you?
Just because it can fart doesn’t mean it will. Azimov’s Fourth Law of Robotics clearly states that you can lead a robot to a fart, but you cannot make it take the fart. Many people think they could get some random machine to let one rip, but it’s just not physically possible. Sorry, but your going to have to blow this one out of your own ass, and that’s where this gets fun!
Like with the Tootsie Roll Pop, you’ll do fine for around a dozen farts, but then things get a bit harder to control. Your submigdula will catch on and just want to get the whole thing over with. This is when the ‘farts’ will start to develop into the ‘shart range‘, meaning added moisture and possibly froth coming out with the farts. The good news is that these sharts will only last for, at most, another 18-20 farts, at which time you’ll just shit your pants like a normal person.
So, the number of farts needed to effectively have taken a dump, is approximately 24 to 32 farts. Remember kids, science is fun! This is one experiment you can try at home, you don’t even need your parent’s permission. Have fun!