118 Russians Banned From Rio Games for Using ‘Training Montage’

The International Olympic Committee confirmed in a statement issued yesterday evening that 118 members of the 389-strong Russian team have been banned from competing in Rio.

An independent World Anti-Montage Usage Agency (WAMUA) report published last month alleged that wide-scale montage usage by Russian athletes had been covered up by the country’s security services over a number of years with the full knowledge of the ministry of sport.

Olympic experts held a press conference on Friday morning to explain the widespread training abuse. The use of training montages was popularized in the 1980’s by many popular movies, but their use has since been banned in International competitions.

“It’s so easy and there’s no needles or anything to put into your body,” explains Marco Kuhny of the Rio Anti-Montage Unit. “And it’s effective. The results are nearly instant. All the abuser needs is the right music and as little as three minutes, and next thing you know they are an Olympic level athlete.”

According to Kuhny 175 copies of Survivor’s ‘Eye of the Tiger‘ were found being smuggled into Brazil, along with 120 copies of  Joe Esposito’s ‘You’re the Best‘. Also found were a smattering of other montage inducing songs, including Kenny Loggins ‘Danger Zone‘. The crackdown has caused the street price for some CDs to skyrocket to as much as $7.50.

Rio officials have said that they will continue cracking down on athletes looking to shortcut their training by using a montage. “We have one already this evening, which we will report Tuesday morning,” said Kuhny. “We caught a Paradorean fencer abusing Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Holding Out for a Hero’. We could hear the music from blocks away! And he was really looking good when we found him.”

First time offenders face a one-year ban on International competition, along with a mandatory 100 hours of listening to Styx’s Come Sail Away.

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